1. So I'm glad to see that overall the story holds up pretty solid and that you liked it, also glad to see that there aren't as many grammatical errors as I thought there'd be.
1. Good point on the redundant phrasing thing with Patch
2. "But Clover seemed like she disliked Minty, Derpy and the other pony when she rants about them. Is that the effect you intended to create? 8< ‘Rant’ means ‘rage,’ so another word would fit there if you didn’t mean to make that effect." Eh, it wasn't so much that she disliked them as more Clover just thought they were weirdoes. Might rewrite that a bit when I come to it.
3. I don’t understand how he could have used any phone in the forest; there would have been no power supply." Eh, Lancer's rich. Just apply the same logic that you do to Scrooge Mcduck or Richie Rich: He's so rich he had is own custom jungle made cell phone charger. Also, fun fact, took the cell phone name from a phone type that was actually around during 2002. As for how he got the cell phone, he's rich, he brought a fancy prototype and fixed it up.
4. "But anyway, Starlight calls them over when her mom faints, but I can’t help but think that’s a little illogical, considering the fact that there are authorities to call in that case. Can you explain why the circumstances would entail calling Lancer?" Yeah, that is, a very good point but I can't think of a decent answer aside from "because plot", so if you got any suggestions Notes I'm more than open to them.
5. Fun fact, Ponsworth's is basically the pony version of Ducksworth from the Duck Tales cartoon. Why? Because I love me some reference humor, that's why.
6. "You have creative license to make the ponies as big as you like, but I personally don’t see how someone could get that fat in three months, especially somebody who may still be at the tail end of puberty.: Eh, the power of love is a mysterious thing, makes one man weep and another man sing, also can change a hawk into a little white dove, more than a feeling, that's the power of love. And that's not even getting into all the crazy stuff magic love can do, just look at Cadence! As for the weight thing, like I said before, I was partly inspired by this good gentleman and his weight gain pony stories and those have ponies packing on the pounds in a short amount of time (normally one big vast tasty meal), so the three months seemed reasonable to me.
collinfatpony.deviantart.com/gallery/7. "How could someone’s hooves suddenly become as thick as tree trunks? And how much would she have to weigh for her stomach to touch the ground?!" By eating a lot of course silly! And I have no idea what the proper/realist pony weight would be, hence why I didn't bring it up in the story.
8. "Plus, I can visualize perfectly what Bon Bon has become. And that is a good thing. (She IS, indeed, a caricature of her previous self.)' for reference sake, this is what I had in mind for Starlight and Bon Bon respectfully.
collinfatpony.deviantart.com/art/CollinFatPony-ID-385031221 www.inflatechan.net/furry/src/139270871756.png 9. Also… you are aware that while making love and having sex are different, they both involve sexual acts? I don’t know what that entails, but I’m just ensuring you knew what you were saying when you said ‘making love.’ Eh, wanted to try and be classy about it, while still leaving it up to the reader's minds just HOW steamy things got within those 3 months, or if the only steam in their relationship came from the freshly baked pies they stuffed one another with.
10. "Revise the first sentence of that paragraph, though" You mean the Thank pony christ one? Also, glad to see that you find my funny parts funny. Straight up romance is no fun if you can't poke a bit of fun at it.
11. "I laughed at the ‘size of small cars’ sentiment. But are they really that big? And I like how Star’s mom is trying to put this in perspective." Naw, Starmom's just wossname, being all meta-mah-phorical and exaggerating about their size is all.
12. "You really would be great at writing a satirical work, again." Well, I have toyed with the idea of a Multi Pony Gen crossover based loosely off of Marvel's Secret Wars event, but with less villains, more ponies fattened against their will a sumo wrestling against one another, and staring the Brony version of this guy.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApZI2f8kZM0 13. "I also love how you stated that Starlight and Bon Bon saw Melody’s mom. It’s a nice way to confront the health implications of getting fat where I feel other fetish fics would fail. So good job." Thanks, wasn't quite sure how well it worked, but I figured it was better to have it brought up and mentioned then just flat out ignored.
14. "When Patch fantasizes about being a sumo wrestler, you know things are going to get weirder than Bon Bon and Starlight already being sumo champion homosexual obese ponies. It sounds like you were employing some foreshadowing for the sequel that’ll never come, in which Patch either develops a fat fetish, becomes a sumo wrestler fighting Starlight and Bon Bon for the gold, or making a chubby twosome a chubby threesome." I figured with a little over 9000 words, I've given the readers more than enough to work with reading wise, but thought putting in small little 'future maybes' might be fun to do, and a threesome is tempting. Also might be fun to do a PatchBon sumo story some day (once I take care of my Dragon ball z stuff)
15. "And again, I love Teddy’s trance here, though Sweetheart’s reaction is even better." Not sure if I ever brought it up in the story proper, but Teddy did at one point date Bon Bon for a short time, and does in fact have a partial fat fetish. Key word here is partial of course.
16. "I honestly had to look up Talcum powder. Is what it is common knowledge in Ponyland, or is it just Patch, Teddy, Lancer and Sweetheart’s in-joke? I loved Sweetheart’s mischievous giggle, too." This was a semi subtle reference to my headcanon of Lancer and Bright Eyes having a sort of age-play/diaper loving/infantism fetish thing that they do from time to time (based off of the Shop Talk episode, my brain tis a very twisted place), and is another story idea I've toyed with as a sort of 'sequel' to this one (long story short BE and Lance get Teddy and Sweetheart in on the padded puffy fun)
17. "I thought of Arnold from the Magic School Bus when you said a read-haired young man sneezed. Man I have to watch some Magic School Bus…" This was in fact another subtle refence to Danny Williams from the G1 cartoon, the first refence being the Leader (megan), the Mother (Molly, to the baby ponies of Paradise Estate), and the Prankster (Danny).
18, "But I love your Melody’s mock bow. And her music zone." Melody is basically the rock n roll version of Vinyl Scratch only she doesn't go and criticize the leaders of her world without knowing all the info before hoof.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-jGp0OxMOY&list=PL86648BA17A2813D8 Also, Melody would TOTALLY love Electric Mayhem
www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXXYnt43Yjw19. Goat demon dude? I assume you mean Discord or Grogar here." Grogar, actually. Ties into my headcaonon of G1 Dream Valley being the same world as Tales but in the far past. This in spite of the fact that I think that G1 being Equestria's past is played out and devalues both Gens. Yes, I am a hypocrite why do you ask?
Now onto the second review section for edits, away!